I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
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I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are