Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
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Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
#parenting
Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.