Banana is the quietest snack
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If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
Posting this on behalf of a friend
JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?