Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
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Breaking news:
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
Entomologic:
Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a flyBee louse= fly
This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*