Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
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Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:
-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday