Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
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Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
Air pods looking like an angry frog
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.