Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
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When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class
This is hilarious….
One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted