Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
You Might Also Like
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
[middle of a heated argument]
Him: I’m leaving you
Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish