Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
You Might Also Like
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.