Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
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Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”
They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?