Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
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Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
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I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
classic mixup
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no