After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
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Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise