i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
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the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!*points at baby*
Me: You gonna eat that?
Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.
What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.