Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
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I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
Whoa 😂
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.