My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
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I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH
Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
ACED my prostate exam!
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.