Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
You Might Also Like
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
Yes my dude
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
lot going on here, legally speaking.
[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
Me: All these people posting wacky things they did in lockdown. I WAS TOO BUSY.
Also Me: *remembering the household playing ‘Hide the Onion’, where one person hides an onion & if you find the onion, you declare the onion found & re-hide the onion. This went on for 2 months*
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*