i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
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If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
LMAO
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me:
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
The options really are this bad
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now