Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
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I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
These aliens are taking forever.
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.