I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
You Might Also Like
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*