Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
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Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.