We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
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Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
Sooo many times…..
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer