Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
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Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t