My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
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My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
Pat is about to own someone
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter