Safety first
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Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
that wasn’t the question
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.