Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
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Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!