Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
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Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.