My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
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Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.