The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
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People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.
Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.
Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
Siri, fight Alexa.
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus