“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
You Might Also Like
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.
Self-cleaning conscience
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.