In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
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People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.
There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”