Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
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Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
When I snag the last meatball.
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
True
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house