she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
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When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese