[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
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[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
I’m ready for Halloween this year
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…