NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
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Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
Love it! 👍😂
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!