me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
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When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void
Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
Always leave them wanting their money back.