Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
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Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.