if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
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A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*