DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
You Might Also Like
Them: Just act casual
Me:
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.