Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
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why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home