Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
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Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!