*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
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why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
nice challenge
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.