Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
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Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar