If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
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Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
*power walks to the refrigerator*
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.