I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
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[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
sometimes when I don’t want to pay the $100 therapy copay I go to my friend’s house and talk extra loud until her husband who’s working on his psych PhD goes “do you mind if I say something”
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
Squirrels before girls.
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.