Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
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Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
so weird how every mom was born today
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.