Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
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tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
Not now. I’m deglazing.
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭