My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
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Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
Twitter is the new flypaper.
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house