How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
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My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.Me: Who is it?
4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.
Me: Son of a ….
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…