I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
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Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
The Punning Dead.
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk