[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
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When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused
Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.